When your kids say, “I’m bored!”
Who else’s mom always fired back with the classic, “Only boring people get bored!”
It’s the one thing that can always zap away the last of my patience as a parent. Usually they wait until you’re occupied with something else—your own work, a chore, chatting with someone while waiting for your food to arrive at a restaurant—and then they say it: “I’m boooorrrrrred.”
I’ll admit, my temper flares a little whenever I hear my girls say this. I am sometimes tempted to retort with something snotty, like pointing out how I’ve provided them with a house full of toys and books and craft supplies, or how hearing this makes me sometimes think they’re ungrateful and spoiled, or how I have better things to do than give them 24-7 entertainment. (All of these are not-so-great things I have absolutely thought or even said aloud. Not necessarily proud of those moments.)
But I decided that I wanted my children’s relationship with boredom to be welcoming, or at least neutral—not adversarial. I wanted my children to be familiar with the feeling of boredom, even if it isn’t always a comfortable feeling. I wanted my children to be able to handle the situation of feeling bored without needing me to intervene and set them up with external entertainment. Here are all the things I’ve considered when it comes to my kids and the dreaded “I’m bored!” conversation:
The Benefits of Boredom
This isn’t new information, but medical and child development professionals agree that boredom is not a bad thing. Sure, it’s uncomfortable, and kids aren’t really great with handling uncomfortable feelings—but boredom has its benefits.
Boredom lets your kids practice managing their frustration and regulating their emotions. It gives them an opportunity to develop planning strategies, to problem-solve, and to make their own decisions (those opportunities don’t come along very often when you’re a kiddo!). Boredom teaches your kids how to be flexible, how to be creative, and lets them gain an independence that ultimately boosts their confidence and shapes their identity.
I mean, if all of that was listed on the back of a video game, I’d buy it for my girls. (Not to shade video games! Not at all. But screens-as-default-entertainment is counteractive to the lessons boredom can teach to your kids. More about that below!)
People who are creative, in particular, need time to be bored. That’s when your brain starts connecting dots, churning through the stuff hanging out in your subconscious, sending up random ideas and prompts and visuals. If you’ve got kids with interest or talent in anything creative, boredom is a super important tool for them. Again, it hurts, but only for a moment.
What your kid might say about it: “But I hate being bored! It’s so boring and awful!”
What you might say about it: “You have a very smart brain and boredom is like exercise for your brain. It’s uncomfortable at first, but once you find something to do, it’ll feel amazing. You can do it!”
Decoding Boredom
To be fair, sometimes kids use “I’m bored” as a go-to phrase that can mean lots of different things. “I’m bored” can mean I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m tired, I’m in need of comfort, I’m lacking an emotional connection with someone right now, I’m burnt out, or other basic needs are not being met. As a parent, I try to stay on top of those basic bodily and emotional needs—making sure snacks are available, pushing water in their hands, providing lots of moments when we can talk, when they can show off their latest tricks, when they can be silly and antagonize me (my kids love the power trip, no, I’m not really as annoyed as I act, it’s a whole thing).
The problem here, obviously, is sometimes even as adults we are bored, so we eat. We are bored, so we sleep. We are bored, so we mindlessly turn to the television or the internet to keep us just alive enough to function until the next event in our day.
And to be clear, no one here is anti-screen. We’ve got lots of screens in our house. We don’t put a time limit on it—but we do turn off screens sometimes when we notice our kids aren’t balancing consuming media with other activities. It’s the mindlessness that concerns me and, in my household, does the damage. The screens-as-default. The “I’m not doing anything, and I can’t think of anything better to do, so I’ll put on something familiar and low-stakes to give me some low-level stimulation.”
Screens-as-default is very different than “I’m looking forward to beating the next level of my game.” Or “I’m in the mood to watch a very specific movie.” Or “I’m using Canva to play around and make something creative.” Screens are not the enemy! But when they become the silence-fillers and the time-killers, that’s a problem (to me, at least!). To me, it’s all about intention. Desire. If your kid’s brain comes up with a video game as a solution to their boredom, that’s not necessarily the wrong answer—but is it truly what they want to do? Or is it just an old habit?
What your kid might say about it: “I’m hungry but we don’t have anything good to eat.” “Just one more episode.” “Can I play on your phone?”
What you might say about it: “How about you look for a recipe that you can make on your own?” “Last episode, and then I think you should (make a sword like their favorite character/go to the park like in their show/pretend to be a pony like in their game/etc.” “You can watch, but it needs to be something new and different. I’ll make a list of ideas and you can choose something. What are you in the mood for?” (Then you put on something totally different, like an old Charlie Chaplin movie or a playlist of music videos from when you were a teenager.) (Also, sometimes this solves the problem itself—my youngest always wanders away in disgust if there’s something on the television that doesn’t strike her fancy. So you can always chase them away with your own favorite movie LOL?)
Model It
Are you always on your phone? Do you let yourself be bored? Do you ever stand in a line without checking your device? Again, I am not trying to demonize phones. I realize that phones are our source for communication, work, socializing, music, shopping, checklists for our household, schoolwork, and so on. Using a spare free moment to read an email from your boss? Or to respond to a text? Or to catch up on something that you’ve been reading? Totally reasonable.
But if your kids don’t see you put your phone in your pocket or on the counter, then how can they be assured that they will be okay without a screen in their own faces at all times? Model boredom for them so you can understand it and offer good advice when they need it. They are paying attention to how much you look at your phone, guaranteed.
What your kids might say about it: “You’re always on your phone.” “You never take a break from screens, why should i?”
What you might say about it: (First of all, if you are doing things other than scrolling or searching for stimulation, I’d explain to them that you use your phone to work/send messages/manage household tasks/etc. It’s good for my kids to see the constant churn of the to-do list required to be an adult and parent.) “You’re right. I’m going to put my phone away for two hours. Will you find a good place to hide it for me? And then we’ll both figure out what to do with our free time.”
Note: this is NOT about finding something to do together. That’s a whole other conversation. The solution to your kid’s boredom should not always be “parent will play with me!” Teaching your child that entertaining themselves even when Mom or Dad are also having free time is vital. (Yes, I’m that mom who doesn’t play with their kids at the park or sit down and engage in their pretend games. To me, my job is to keep them alive and to nurture them in their own identity. I am not going to make them lunch and do their laundry and comfort them after a bad day at school AND THEN ALSO play pirates on the monkey bars. I draw a line there. I do enough.)
How To Help
Help them by not helping—meaning don’t come to their rescue. Don’t provide them with the magical solution to their boredom, especially if they are just going to reject every suggestion you make until you land on the right answer. Helping them come up with an idea robs them of the opportunity to choose for themselves. I know! The whining that will ensue! It’s okay! Endure!
Don’t argue about it in the moment. Letting them pick a fight with you actually gives them attention and distraction—you are now their entertainment, and you have solved their boredom in a probably unpleasant, unproductive way. (Guilty of this one. I have a hard time resisting the chance to explain to my kids why I am right.)
Boredom as a muscle—let them practice it. I do think it’s not very reasonable to expect a young kid to solve their own boredom crisis and sustain it for hours on end. I do think it’s reasonable to set a timer for ten minutes, direct them to figure out what to do for those minutes, and then increase that time as they get better at it. (They’re allowed to do nothing! I always remind them that they don’t have to do anything, but they are required to be by themselves and keep themself company.)
Be open to the fact that they might (re: probably will) make a mess. That’s okay! This is their chance! Plus, learning how to pick up after themselves is another lesson, another muscle that needs to be strengthened. If your bored child decides to entertain themselves by making a soap potion in your sink, see if you can take a deep breath and let them do it. We want to encourage their ideas, boost their confidence, train their brains to keep spitting out things for them to do.
Pre-make a list of ideas and refer them to it when boredom strikes. Sort of like a menu! Again, we don’t want to take away their chance to learn how to make a decision, but when we’re upset and overstimulated, our abilities to make a decision are zapped (and that includes grownups). When things are calm, making a list together of some ideas could be a great resource. Then they can just refer to the list—and when your kid, like mine, inevitably declares the list itself to be boring, well, you might have to tough it out. For some kids, the menu is a great idea… until they are denied the free entertainment they so desperately want. Poor menu. It might be rejected, but it’s still a decent idea and sets an expectation for your kiddos—this is up to you to solve.
Double check your supplies—do you have toys they have access to? Have they been rotated lately? What about books? If they like to create things, do you have good crayons? New paper? Bringing home a little something new and just leaving it out for them to find it can be a great helper. Don’t leave them to solve their boredom problem without any decent tools or resources. Sending them outside is no longer a viable option for many families—neighborhoods aren’t set up to let kids roam and discover. It sucks, but you might have to be vigilant about providing things for them to discover in your own house.
Remind yourself that they’re allowed to be upset. I know I struggle to let my kids be uncomfortable or unhappy, because sometimes it makes me feel like a terrible parent—especially if it’s within my power to fix things for them. Who wouldn’t rather see their kid smiling and engaged rather than frustrated and teary? But the discomfort of boredom is not life-or-death. It isn’t neglect to have your kids fend for themselves for part of the day. It’s not going to scar them permanently if you habitually refuse to hand over your phone in the car rather than let them squirm with tedium. If they choose to sit and do nothing but whine, fine! That’s their decision. That’s their solution. If it doesn’t work for them, they’ll find something else next time.
This is one of those parenting practices that will have extremely beneficial long-term results, even if it means lots of fussing or freak-outs in the moment. Be strong. Take care of them. Let them be bored. Their brains need you to back off sometimes.
Anyone else have any insights into the “I’m bored” problem? Let us know in the comments!
